FILLER UP

I have a confession to make, I don't really have anything to write about today. Usually I just wait and a topic of interest will pop into my fraun and I'll be off to the metaphorical races. I think I'm just a little tapped. I've spent the last two weeks working on a short story and obviously that's more time than it should have taken. But truthfully I was writing one part a time in the hopes of getting feedback on it. However getting anyone to read my little story has been like pulling teeth.

So I just kept writing and I still don't know if its any good and I'm just feeling a little burned out. I know the next story I want to write and in fact I have a long list of ideas that I haven't tapped yet. Maybe after I take a shower I'll jump back into it and I'm fairly certain that's what will happen. It's just right now, I'm a little beat and don't really feel much like blogging on anything specific. Oh, I didn't mention that I'm trying to write a random thing called"Because Its C heaper Than Therapy"

For some reason I think it has the potential to be a book about me or really anyone who likes to write for a living. I'm not sure because I haven't lived long enough to write an auto biography but that doesn't meant I can't get started now. That's just one more project to put on my ever expanding list. As much as I love writing, I really do need to find another job soon before I can really think that far ahead.

But I suppose in the mean time its just a way to hold back the madness that lurks on the other side of my mind. I'm fairly confident that I will get another job soon then I can start writing for fun rather than emotional reasons. Either way I'm sure everything will work out ok, it usually does. When I set out to update my story list I had no idea just how many ideas I really have had over the last ten + years.

Anyway, I just want to apologize once again for not having anything specific to blog about. This was really just more of a random kind of thing. I can assure you that tomorrow I will have something more specific to write about, that is if I'm still not feeling burned out. Well, in the mean time I think I'm going to lay down for a bit then take a shower and throw my self back into the gears of my word processor, metaphorically that is.

-Jayson C.

July 21st 2009

THE WRITE EPIPHANY

Something extraordinary happened to me a few nights ago. As you all know I've been working on this short story and before I went to bed I just jotted down some notes or thoughts on it. What came out of those notes was very interesting. Basically I found a pattern or theme to how I was writing the story. I grant you, this pattern really only applies to a first person narrative but its still a remarkable discovery.

With this theme that just developed seemingly at random I can now apply it to some other story I ideas that I have. Suddenly the prospect of trying to get all of these ideas on the page doesn't seem quite as daunting. Obviously I still have to figure out a way to write beyond the first person perspective because even I would get bored with writing for just one point of view. I'm no different than the reader, I want to see whats on the other side of the cobblestone wall to.

I think what I have is a good formula and I don't mind sharing it because I think it could be of use to other young writers such as my self who are struggling. To be honest I'm not sure why this particular pattern has just now emerged but you know what it, it has. I'm trying not to question and just use it as much as I can. Its possible that all those years of playing "Sim City 3000" finally paid off.

What I mean by that is most of the cites I've been building have been symmetrical and have a pattern to them. I just like symmetry and order to things which I think sadly makes me more exited than anything else in life. Again I don't why symmetry and order give me such a feeling of fulfillment but they do and I for one intend to go along with. At least for now its serving my purposes. So with out further delay, below is the formula I am currently using, enjoy.

• Sarcastically descriptive names for antagonists.
  Specific & descriptive names for others.
  Story name has multiple meanings.
  Settings give a clue to the characters emotional state.
  Sarcasm is used to deflect fear and anxiety.
  Story is told from the first person perspective.
  There is a steady build to the action.
  Subtle references to real world locations.
  The main character is often isolated even among other people.
  Describing objects such as clothing in terms of colour

I'm fairly certain that none of these things are new but they are to me and hopefully I will follow my own advice and apply to another story.

-Jayson C.

July 20th 2009

A NOVEL NOTION

As previously mentioned before hand since I am currently unemployed and looking for a new job I've had to invent ways to keep my mind occupied otherwise my not so subtle depression might get to me. To make a long story short, I grew bored with playing "Sim City 3000" and fell back on an old hobby, writing. In addition to working on a new short story I've also gathered together just about every story idea I've had in the last ten years.

As a matter of fact, I had woken up early Thursday (16th) and tried getting back to sleep. I swear to the gods that every time I lay down a new or rather old story idea would pop into my head. So then I would get up and write it down and lay back down. Basically this process repeated its self for about a half hour. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep that day but on the plus side, I now have a total of 35 story ideas.

I have to admit that not all of them are Hugo material but at least I have something to work with. Though most of the story ideas I have aren't really new and I don't mean that in the sense that every science fiction idea has been used. I mean that in the sense most of these ideas are ones I've had before hand but never bothered to do anything with. I hope I can get at least another two or three short stories finished before I go back to work.

Unfortunately I know that once I start working full time again writing will probably just get pushed to the side. But who knows it might not because I've never enjoyed writing before as much as I enjoy it now. I'm not sure why its just now happening but I'm not going to think about it too much and just enjoy the ride. I'm also considering trying to get one or two stories published which is something I've toyed with in the past.

Who knows, maybe I'm finally taking this seriously and honestly I'm not looking to make a career out of this. In the end my goal is to have written at least 20 good short stories and a novel if my patience holds out that is. Weather I get published or I don't isn't really that big of a deal because at least what I'm doing is somewhat productive. It could be worse, I might have ended up as an alcholic or worse, a professional blogger, just kidding.

-Jayson C.

July 19th 2009

A LACK OF CHARACTER(S)

As you all know I like science fiction but more than that I like a good story with interesting characters. It seems that writing good science fiction is harder than any other drama because its a genre that is literally "an embarrassment of riches" or put it another way, there are so many fascinating possibilities that its easy to get lost. I don't believe that is a negative and point of fact its a huge advantage.

But again with so many possibilities its easy to forget that every story in every genre is ultimately about the characters. I wanted to avoid slagging "Transformers" (Michael Bay) but its just too good of an example to ignore. Basically "Transformers" (sequel included) is just a lot of set dressing and little or no plot let alone characters. The bitch of it is that "Transformers" as an idea or concept is full of potential.

Ironically enough that potential was better expressed during the 80's animated TV series. I feel that Japanese animie is in the same league in that they have a myriad of great ideas and concepts but usually the execution is poor and overshadowed by big explosions and pre-pubescent girls with huge eyes. I have to admit, the latter isn't that much of a detraction but I digress and would like to move on.

I want to make something clear as I believe I have before, I like action and a grand adventure. So I'm not some kind of Indie Film snob but I do believe in any story there has to be an order to things. First, the story has to be about your characters and second the things around said character(s) and third, how they react to those things. But that can be a tricky balancing act even for seasoned writers let alone hacks like me self, lol.

When Ronald D. Moore and his staff were starting to write the finale episode of the new "Battlestar Galactica" they had such a difficult time nailing down how the story would end. Finally it hit him, he walked up to the white board in the writers room and erased all the possible story idea's then simply wrote in big letters "Its about the characters stupid" and in the end it was all about going back to basics and that's the road I would like to travel.

-Jayson C.

July 17th 2009

NO ONE KNOWS THE TRAVELS I'VE SEEN

Today, I am taking a break from my usual ranting and raving so that I can bring you some of my pictures from Boston, MA. I took all of these on March 24th 2005 and I actually took about 120 good pictures but I didn't think all of them were blog worthy. Below are some of my personal favorites. I just wish I could have spent more time in Boston but such as life. Despite the limited time I had I still managed to get some interesting pictures, enjoy.

"Ah, my red, yellow & green chariot"

"A nice aerial view"

"Not exactly breathtaking but interesting"


"I love this shot"


"Looks familiar..."

"Now this is really cool"

"So-so"

"Neat"

"Interesting..."

"The Boston Commons"

"Since I didn't have time to see MIT for my self this was

the next best thing"

"Part of the ships mast for the USS Constitution or as

its more commonly known Old Iron Side"

"As the sun sets the city so comes the end of my day"

"This was at the end of a very long day"

"Not much to say about this one"

"This is at a neat angle"

"Don't get too excited, its a dry-dock for ships"

"Like with a number of pictures I just like the layout"

"This is a nice one, kind of wish those cars were out of the way"

"I'm not sure what the big sphere is other than a big sphere"

"Nothing specific here, I just like the composition"

"A little obvious but this was the first thing I saw after crossing the harbor"

"I didn't get a haircut here but I do like the brick work"

"This could be a bank but again I just like the shot its self"

-Jayson C.

July 17th 2009

WHY SO SERIOUS?

I'm not sure if it comes a shock but I like science fiction and that's not to say that I don't like other genres. I like straight drama, comedy and even some westerns & I am confident enough to admit that I like the occasional chick flick. However I tend to gravitate towards science fiction because its a genre with so much imagination and near endless possibilities. Its a genre that feels wide open and less claustrophobic.

So I get up early this morning (unusual since I've been out of work) and usually while I'm making breakfast I turn on the TV in the kitchen and watch something on DVD or VHS (laugh now and move on). I was watching an old "Red Dwarf" special and I think at least twice someone mentioned how unlike other science fiction "Red Dwarf" doesn't take it's self too "seriously" and that really bugged me or rather always has bugged me.

"Not so seriously" almost seems to be code for liking science fiction but not really liking science fiction. Basically its some peoples way of straddling the fence when it comes to this particular genre because its still a nerd thing. I honestly don't understand why science fiction shouldn't be treated seriously instead of something the dares to be ridiculed. That's not to say that I don't like the sillier stuff like a fore mentioned "Red Dwarf" or even something off the wall like "Lexx"

Those shows among others are great but by and large I like serious dramatic science fiction. Mainly its because I'm a fan of drama period and science fiction simply adds another layer on top of an already good story. I remember reading in a magazine a few years ago "Science fiction is the only genre preparing us for tomorrow" I love that quote because on some basic level, its true.

I believe that science fiction is something to be taken seriously and no one should have to walk any kind of thin line when it comes to the genre. I would like to live in a world where science fiction is as respectable as any other genre but I suppose that's just a fantasy. Bottom line, if you like science fiction then you like it and if you don't you don't. For instance I don't generally like westerns but I like a few and I don't hide that parse out that opinion.

-Jayson C.

July 16th 2009

A SHORT STORY THE SEQUEL

As a rule I try to keep my blog entries limited to 5 paragraphs, most of the time. I think it helps to have a limit to work with in unless of course I have a little more to say. So yesterday I posted a blog about writing and I realized I had more to say on the subject. I didn't want to do a two parter in the same day so I'm doing the second part today. Truth be told I wrote this last night and saved it for today, I am so lazy - lol.

So onto the topic at hand, writing professionally or just for fun. I was thinking about this story I once heard about Rodney Dangerfield. The story goes that while working a dry cleaners (he owned) that he would write down jokes, funny stuff and little comedic tid bits he would come across. By the time he was ready to go back to stand up comedy he a lot of material to work. I have to admit I heard this in a "Simpsons" audio commentary and have no idea how true it is.

True or not its still an interesting story to me as a want-to-be writer. Honestly I don't have a huge drive to be a professional working writer but I figure if an opportunity ever does arise I'll have a some material worth marketing, selling, etc... I'll have a hand full of short stories, screenplays and hopefully one complete novel. I have no idea if such an opportunity will ever present its self but its comforting to know I have something to back me up

In addition to the stuff I've actually written I have a lot of ideas I've never tried. I'm thinking I should pick a day this week and literally go through my computer and other papers & pull together all the material I have and just keep in one place. Really, I'm not doing anything else so I guess I better get to it before I get another job, lol. Anyway I think I compile all that stuff into one place.

Its strange to think that I've actually written a lot of stuff over the years, most of it I can't remember but maybe now is the time to collect all of it. It might also be helpful to organize it into an easy reference guide, in fact as I am writing this I'm a little eager to get started now. Soon as I finish this I'm going to get started. Oddly enough I'm really interested to see what I've done in the last few years, I bet I suck, just kidding.

-Jayson C.

July 15th 2009

A SHORT STORY

As I have mentioned before I'm currently not employed and yes I am looking for a job. However since I can't do much else except fill out applications, search and e-mail my resume then just wait. I have to admit that process week after week can get a little depressing, especially when no one calls but I have to constantly remind my self that its tough for everyone right now and financially I have it a little easier.

I also have to mention I don't have a car and my brother is at work most of the day. There isn't much with in walking distance and if there were, 100+ degree temperatures isn't something you want to be in if you don't have a choice. I don't mind getting on the bus and going somewhere, that's not an issue but again its still pretty damn hot outside and I'm trying not to spend money on frivolous things.

Now to the point of this blog entry, basically being home by my self I have to find a way to occupy my mind and not thinking about being unemployed. The first couple of weeks I was playing Sim City 3000 allot but I quickly grew bored with that. I still play from to time but its no longer the distraction that it was. Then I started to fall back on an old hobby that I usually don't have the energy for when I'm working and writing at the same time.

The thing is with whatever I'm writing I usually don't finish because I get bored mid-way. So with the screenplay I'm working on right now I'm quickly coming up to that quitting point. I needed a solution and fast so I went to work on a short story. While I writing this short story I forgot how relaxing it can be. Obviously I want it to be good so I'm not just doing what ever but at the same time, there isn't allot of stress involved.

Screenplays tend to have somewhat rigid structures and weather your adapting something or writing something original its still a very time consuming process. In order of writing the difficulty level is this. Novels (hardest) - Screenplays (medium) & Short Stories (easy). I'm not ready to say exactly what this short story is about but I do like it and again, its such a nice break from the screenplay.

Finally, in the process of writing the short story I've discovered that if you want to write a novel, that's the best way to go. You just start writing without much of a plan, just an idea then through that you find you have created the basics. The basics being the characters, setting and plot so with all those basics laid out its possible to expand a short story into a novel. By the time your done with the short version, you already have the beginning, middle and end.

-Jayson C.

July 14th 2009

LIFE ISN'T VERY SPORTING

So, how was every ones weekend? (insert sound of crickets) Ok well mine was boring as usual and not having a job that produces expendable income doesn't help either. I suppose its not a terrible thing especially when it means I get to stay out of 100 + degree heat while others have to trudge through said heat. Anyway I had intended to post something over the weekend about this guy and an origami city but there were some technical issues that prevented it.

But I am back fresh from the long and dull weekend and the topic for today is sports. Now let me be clear I don't hate sports in that I don't have a deep seeded kind of loathing for sports or any area of sports. I simply don't find that interesting except when it comes to the internal politics of a particular sport then it becomes interesting to me. But by and large when it comes to baseball, basketball, football (the U.S. version) its just too boring.

Now my question is to why should I have to like sports thus risk being accused of being gay and to quote a Seinfeld episode "not that there is anything wrong with that" because there isn't. That is to say there is nothing wrong with sports or being gay. Its just that no sport is all the interesting to me and to be honest, never has been. I did try out for the tennis team back in high school but I grew bored with that to.

I don't know what that says about me that both observing and participating in the thing holds little or no interest for me. I also want to say this, why is that when a school has to cut its budget, the music and art programs are the first to go. Just once I want the jocks to suffer and watch in glee as basketball and football take the hit. I realize that may come off as a bitter soaked rant but that's not entirely true.

I think sports and the arts at any level of school are both important but it does seem like the arts are the first to get a whack. That really does make me mad because its always the nerd things that get taken out first because they aren't cool enough. But here is the ugly truth, sports fans and the players are the bigger losers. When was the last time you saw the chess club jump football players.

Probably never because that would never happen but still. The nerds and the geeks aren't the ones causing mental and physical pain to those around them even though on many levels the smart guys are superior. I suppose I don't understand why the weakest (physically) have to be the targets of pain. Ok, I'm going to get off my little Calgon soap box now and if I offended anyone I'm sorry but sports does bring out a little bitterness in me.

-Jayson C.

July 13th 2009

A LOTTERY OF IDIOTS PART III

I want to be crystal clear, I realize no matter how careful I were to plan out the use of this money or how hard I try to anticipate any problems the transition from my current life to the next (not in the death sense so calm down) will have its challenges. But its a challenge I am more than eager to take on. And really the challenge is to reinvent my self or in a very real sense to start over.

I don't simply look it as a 3 million dollars, I look at as a chance to start over with out all the nasty dieing stuff. The other thing to is that I have family in Montana I don't get to see very often so this would be a chance to be with them again. To quote a Depeche Mode song "I'm leaving anger and bitterness in the past with all the shadows it casts" That's what I want to do, I want to start over and try my luck again.

Why wouldn't more people want to do that instead of destroying them selves, I don't know but maybe someday I'll write a book on the subject, I should have plenty of time. So going back to the beginning of three part series and the TV show about the curse of the lottery I really don't believe there is a curse. The people they profiled were probably already on a path of self destruction, the money only moved up the time table on their demise.

The other thing I want to bring up is you get people who win the lottery and say they are going to divide it up among family and friends & admittedly at one time I thought I would so that but now thinking seriously I wouldn't. Its not because I'm selfish (not totally) or greedy, its gets complicated when it comes to family and friends. I won't say which family members or friends would be the bigger headaches but I can foresee some minor complications.

I would definitely be willing to help those that I care about if they needed help but even that would be on a case by case basis. It seems to me that spending money on your self and others are equally difficult and would require some diplomatic skill which means I am shit out luck. Finally I want to leave you with this, in China crisis means the same as opportunity. Even if its not, its still a good idea or if you have lemons make lemonade. Life is what you make of it and I could espouse a hundred more cliches but I won't.

-Jayson C.

July 10th 2009

A LOTTERY OF IDIOTS PART II

Lets put aside the amount of work it would take to maintain a large home and assume you don't have an army of people to do your work for you I can't imagine being able to fill something that large unless I have a family. But if I were to win millions of dollars I would want something that I personally could handle, literally with in my means. Hell, I wouldn't mind painting it once or twice a year but mowing the lawn would be a pleasure.

Anyway, let me tell you what I would do with my small fortune because I think I have a good plan even though its subject to unforeseen obstacles. I figure it this way, I would need at least 3 million. The first million would cover a new house and any moving expenses and I know your thinking, "what a hypocrite" but hear me out. I'm thinking of a 3 bedroom lake house in Montana and given I don't have allot of nice furniture now I would have to furnish it.

The first million just ensures I don't have to worry too much about expenses but I would still look for good deals, its just me. I've never been very extravagant or even stylish but I would still like to fill it with nice things that match (that would be a first). The next million covers any bills, maintenance, health, etc... and finally the last million ensures I will never have to work again. I can travel, indulge in various hobbies.

The bottom line is I would simply retire to a quiet part of the world and live the next 50 years of my life in relative peace and quiet. Now, that assumes I live to be 80 and given how the world works, its possible I won't make it that far but I have to set some kind of parameter. It seems to me that just being able to live your life with as little drama as possible is the best way to go and one that makes sense to me.

When I first started thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery or came into a large sum of money I assumed I would end up staying in AZ but then I quickly realized that it gets warmer every year since I was born in 1979 and that trend shows no sign of retreating. Personally I like the heat but not 365 days a year. While Montana can be bitterly cold I wouldn't have a job to go to so I could just stay by the fire and drink coffee.

To be concluded...

Jayson C.

July 10th 2009

A LOTTERY OF IDIOTS PART I

In the last few days I've been thinking about what I would do if I won the state lottery. Not that I ever believe that could happen (Bill the patron saint of good fortune has it out for me) but still a boy or girl can dream. Before I get to what I would do with millions units of US currency I want to mention something that I coincidentally happen to be watching yesterday. It was on The E! network and I think it was called "Curse Of The Lottery"

All me and my brother could do was laugh our collective assess off and I know they were trying to communicate a serious message but some of the story's were so over the top and beyond understanding it just came off a dark comedy. One of the stories involved a couple from TN who got into a fight and the police were called. The police report stated the wife attempted to stab the husband with a crack pipe, I lost it at the point. I mean, could they be bigger stereotypes.

Basically the running theme as if you couldn't guess is that a shit load of instant money destroys or at least that's what the special should have been titled but I digress. I do think it was kind of unfair to focus on the winners / losers who just happen to be from the south but that's another issue for another blog but really, these people didn't have a plan. The first thing they did was but allot of stuff they didn't need.

Now I suppose I'm a little biased because I don't have an automobile fetish like allot of people so I can't understand why some of these people would buy like ten kinds of really expensive cars. On top of the cars they bought big houses which another thing that baffles me. With the exception of the house I grew up in I've never lived in a real house so I've never had the responsibility of keeping up something that big.

I remember all the work my parents put into our house and that was a small four bedroom, one bath. So I've lived in two apartments for the last ten years or so where most of the upkeep is someone elses charge, not mine. I'm not saying I wouldn't to upkeep my own home because I would, its mine and I should take care of it but a decent sized house. Something I know I could handle, not a 20 room mansion.

To be continued...

-Jayson C.

July 10th 2009

BESIDE EFFECTS

Today's entry is going to be a little different in that I'm going to "rant" about something, albeit in a ridiculous way. I was watching a documentry I recorded on my DVR (The True Story Of Charlie Wilsons War) and for some reason I didn't feel like fast forwarding through the commericals and one caught my attention, it was for a pharmaceutical, Ambien CR. Obviously there are a myriad of commericals like this but the side effects are interesting.

According to the pharmaceutical's official website, here are some of the possible side effects...

1. Memory problems Sleep medicines may cause a special type of memory loss or "amnesia." When this occurs, a person may not remember what has happened for several hours after taking the medicine. This is usually not a problem since most people fall asleep after taking the medicine.

2. Changes in behavior and thinking Some people using sleep medicines have experienced unusual changes in their thinking and/or behavior. These side effects are not common. However, they have included:
More outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal
Confusion
Strange behavior
Agitation
Hallucinations
Worsening of depression
Suicidal thoughts

To be pefectly fair the website does note that some of these side effects are not all that common and could be the result of not taking the medication correctly. However, the point Im trying to make is why after hearing the possible side effects would the average person risk these possible side effects. I could see some one taking a risk if they had a really serious disese like parkinsons or diabities but not being able to sleep?

To me, not being able to sleep isn't serious enough to risk amnisia, hallucinations or strange behavior. It seems despite the companies warnings (legal reasons) the possible side effects are worse than the disese. Personally, I would just suffer and find another method to stop my insomnia. Its better than taking a chance you will become an aggressively confused, agiated, halluncinating depressed and possibily sucidial zombie who can't remember his/her/its name.

I want to be clear I'm not just picking on Ambian CR because there are plenty of pharmaceutical's along with their respective ad's that are outragous. I can't really knock them too much since they obviously telling everything that could possible go wrong with their product. Far as I know most businesses wouldn't do that unless legal action was a possibility but the pharmaceutical industry is different.

Its incredible, they tell you all the terrible things that could result from the use of their product and yet there is someone out there who is saying "Its worth the risk if only I could stop my legs from being restless because I can't sleep" I would hope most people would rather look for an alternative before rolling the dice on their health. Then again most people would prefer to take the easy way no matter the cost.

Now, I would be hypocritical if I got on other people for taking the easy way despite the consequences because most if not all human beings (apologies to our non-human readers) instictivly take the path of least resistance. But from time maybe we should use that big soft mushy thing contained with in our skulls and at least for a brief moment consider the consequences.

Finally, I've posted the link to the afore mentioned pharmaceutical as well as the commercial that originally caught my attention. I would ask that if anyone sees any ridiculous ads for medications that have equally ridiculous side effects feel free to post them or e-mail me. I also want to make clear, this subject doesn't upset me, its just ridiculously silly. Unfortunately the unintended comedy of these companies is no laughing matter.

-Jayson C.

July 9th 2009

http://www.ambiencr.com/using-ambien/ambien-cr-side-effects.aspx

FEELING A FAILURE

I was let go from my place of employment almost a month ago and obviously I've been looking for work since then, specifically a job I am right for. I realize that times are tough (a phrase which seems to become almost cliche at this point) and I'm in the same boat as everyone else, well far as being unemployed. In some ways I'm lucky because this only effects me and my brother (he has a job).

Also, I have enough savings to tide me over until something comes through or at least I hope until something comes through. However, the content of this entry is not about tough economic times or money woes which I suppose are the same thing, its really about faith. Faith being somewhat of an irony for me since I have never been one to adopt or believe in any religion. I do on an intellectual level find belief interesting but not spiritually.

When I speak of faith, I think of it something along the lines of hanging onto a four leaf clover, a rabbits foot or even crossing ones fingers. Basically I see faith as dumb luck or hopeing against hope. I know that may seem somewhat insulting to those of faith but thats just my view and one I have lived by since I was first aware of the world around me. So the point I am shortly coming round to is this, where does faith begin & action begin.

Going back to being out work, I have been looking and obviously its harder now to find a good job. Without going into my decades long resume, I do have some game as the kids might say. I've been submitting my resume via e-mail, websites, applications, ect.. and I've seen little or no results. I didn't believe anything would happen fast because it rarely does but after a month I'm growing worried.

What I'm reallying feeling is that I'm doing enough to get back to work, basically I feel as though I am doing the bare minimum. The logical part of me says that I should get a job anywhere or basically settle, the pride within me is ranting against that because I deserve better. Really, for the most part I'm holding out for something unspecific. So here is my real question, should I have enough faith to hold out for something good or just take whatever is available?

-Jayson C.

July 8th 2009

STARTING TO WRITE A WRONG

Over the years I've started a number of blogs then left them to die unread. I can't even begin to tell you just how many but its at least ten and I don't know that this one will be any different but who knows, stranger things have happened. So you the reader are asking what will this blog be about and more importantly why should I care what someone I've never heard of has to say. I would say that that is a perfectly valid question.

After all there are millions of people out there in the blogosphere who have opinions on anything from politics, entertainment, social issues, etc...Some of them have long running blogs with some solid followings. Some of them have even garnered attention from small, medium and large media outlets. Is that attention deserved for what essentially amounts to an op-ed piece in a small town newspaper, I couldn't say.

What I will say is that alot of people have opinions or just something to say. How much is what they are communicating is actully worth something, I don't know that answer to that one either. That being said if democracy is ever to thrive then it has to be strong enough to withstand even the most banal of opinions and view points. Because the truth is while there may be quite alot of mediocre views out there, once in a while someone creates something of real value.

Now, do I believe that my little blog is going to be anything of substance or garner any serious attention, again one can not say. All I can hope to accomplish is that from this first blog and onward I can actually keep up with it. Maybe the reason for my past blog failures stems from that fact I always tried to hard to find something of substance or at least what others would deam as substance.

I believe now I simply have to write what I feel is interesting and if others find my content of interest then I'm proud to have actually produced some ioto of value. The bottom line is that most people I believe are seeking out some kind of validation for their opinions and thats not nessessarly a terrible thing. I would say its the wrong kind of motivation, because if you start from a place of wanting validation and you don't get said validation, it will hurt.

All that being said or in this case written my starting place is going to be personal and dare I say, selfish. All of us at one point or another have been accused of that particular behavior. I used to think that label was a negitive but I realize at this point, it can also be an asset. In the case of this blog it will be the place from where I draw my resolve to keep on blogging. Specifically my soul purpose here is to work through my personal issues.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, my issues aren't really that terrible just more existential. I know that may come off as little pretentious but at the moment, its the best word I acscribe to my current state of existance. In the end my best hope is that I find a way to work through all my little niggling psychosises and find some kind of purpose in my life. Believe me, I know there is something I want to do, I just don't know what it is.

Finally, I invite any and all constructive feedback but let me be clear, this is not Dr. Phil or any of the other myriade of self help talk shows that babble rating induced non-sense. I just want to get to the heart of who I am if such a thing exist. I look forward to communicating with all kinds of people and yes, even those people who think they are crazy. I find that crazy people tend to offer alot of unintended insight that is usually just ignored but sanity is ok to so welcome.

-Jayson C.

July 7th 2009